Goldman at the White House
Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein has been invited to meet with Chinese President Hu Jintao at the White House today. It's a good move since Hu is probably going to ask to speak with President Obama's supervisor at some point anyway.



Texas Cuts
The new Texas state budget calls for $5 billion in cuts to education. Luckily, the only things being eliminated are the high school classes the football players are only pretending to go to anyway.




Apple Rocks
Apple has sold 16.2 million iPhones in just the last 12 weeks. Thank God our government is about to pay for the health care for 16.2 million people who can afford a $499 cell phone.



New Business
In order to make more money, some morticians are now using their business space to host weddings. For most men, having a wedding in funeral home is entirely appropriate.



Heat Lose Again
The Miami Heat lost their fourth straight game last night, forcing team attorneys to re-examine their contract with Satan.




January 19th


1861: Georgia joins South Carolina, Florida, Mississippi, and Alabama in seceding from the United States and forming the South Eastern Football Conference.


1949: Cuba recognizes Israel… mostly on the orders of Hyman Roth.


1983: Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie is arrested and forced to become the head of the Yale University Middle Eastern Studies Dept.