Egypt Debt
Moody's has just downgraded Egypt's debt rating to "B-". Meanwhile, S&P has downgraded the country's debt rating to "Get the Hell Out!"

Rioting in Egypt is getting so bad, UN peacekeeping troops may have to be diverted to Cairo from their current mission inside Charlie Sheen's house.



Escape from Egypt
Things are getting so bad in Cairo, thousands of Egyptians are trying to get to America by disguising themselves as overpriced King Tut museum souveniers.



Mets for Sale
The financially strapped owners of the New York Mets are trying to sell off 25% of the team. They'll hold on to the other 75% that can't hit or catch the ball.



The Gov's Speech
California Governor Jerry Brown makes his "State of the State" address is today. He's going to ask Californians to support tax hikes, which isn't expected to cause much of a reaction because that part of the speech will not be broadcast in Spanish.





January 31st


1876: The United States orders all Native Americans to move into reservations… or the nearest casino, whichever’s easiest.

1929: The Soviet Union exiles Leon Trotsky. He immediately comes to America to become a Harvard economist.

1990: The first McDonald's in the Soviet Union opens in Moscow… meaning the Cold War was definitively won by obesity and hypertension.