Hawking Warning
Genius physicist Stephen Hawking says there are likely extraterrestrials out there, but we shouldn't try to contact them because they probably will mean us harm. It's not clear if Hawking is forming a new theory on alien life, or if he's running for governor of Arizona.



Buffett's Special Deal
Warren Buffett has reportedly worked out a deal to be exempted from the new financial rules the Democrats are trying to get through Congress. Buffett was able to get the special treatment by convincing the Democrats that he was a UAW member on disability.



Kids and Drinking
A new study shows that kids who are forbidden to watch R-rated movies are less likely to start drinking than their peers. They're also much less likely to start drinking than anyone who has just seen the latest piece of crap starring Jennifer Lopez.



Fonda Fitness
At 72, Jane Fonda is still exercising and helping to organize World Fitness Day. Her new workout features Fonda trying to lift a massive list of all her ex-husbands.



Bailout for State Workers
Congress is considering a $100 billion bailout to help states avoid firing government workers. The money will also be used to preserve other key government workplace programs, like 8-weeks of vacation at the Post Office and nap time at the DMV.





April 26th


1965: A Rolling Stones concert in London, Ontario is shut down by police after 15 minutes due to rioting and "bad vibes."


1962: NASA's Ranger 4 spacecraft crashes into the Moon. Geico refuses to pay anything over the deductible.


1994: The world's top physicists announce first evidence of the top quark subatomic particle... all of them still can't get a date.