Goldman Sachs Marathon
The Goldman Sachs hearings on Capitol Hill dragged on for almost 11 hours yesterday. It went on so long that Goldman made $2 billion by taking bets on which Senators would fall asleep first.



Senate Schedule
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid now says the Senate will try to pass a cap and trade bill before it takes up immigration reform. That way, we'll have enough illegal immigrants to help us gather firewood after the Democrats ban oil and natural gas.



Free Trip
Lufthansa has offered a free flight to Germany to the Apple employee who allegedly left an iPhone prototype in a German-style beer garden in California. It's not clear if this is a German tourism publicity stunt, or if they just want this worker to be interrogated by the kind of people who really know how to do it right.



Thai Chaos
Thai security forces fired rubber bullets and tear gas into crowds of anti-government protesters today. Now Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi are trying to hire the same troops to handle the next Tea Party protest.



New Abortion Law
Oklahoma has passed a law that forces pregnant women to listen to the heartbeat of their fetuses before they decide to get an abortion. To be fair, the fetuses should also be forced to learn they are going to live in Oklahoma before they decide to be born.





April 28th

1253: Nichiren, a Japanese Buddhist monk, propounds "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo" for the very first time and declares it to be the essence of Buddhism... then he gets run over by an out-of-control rickshaw.


1945: Benito Mussolini and his mistress Clara Petacci are executed by a firing squad for the high crime of considering macaroni and cheese to be authentic Italian food.


2001: Millionaire Dennis Tito becomes the world's first space tourist. He comes back to Earth with a series of overpriced t-shirts and mugs.