Election Results
The polls are closed, the votes are in, and the winners are: everyone who wants to see no more uninterrupted episodes of "Dancing with the Stars."



Boehner on Top
Republican Congressman John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. This means all D.C. area tanning salons are now officially considered federal property.



GM Tax Break
It turns out the GM bailout includes a special break that allows the company to avoid paying taxes for the next 20 years... which works well for a company that hasn't made a decent car in 40 years.



Unhappy in SF
San Francisco is banning Happy Meals... mostly because of reports that Grimace is violently homophobic.



Prop 19 Loses
The referendum to legalize marijuana in California lost at the polls... mostly because the pro-pot voter base got side-tracked while microwaving burritos at 7-11.





November 3rd


644: Umar ibn al-Khattab, the second Muslim caliph, is killed by a Persian slave in Medina. Khattab’s followers respond by beheading all the local newspaper cartoonists.


1493: Christopher Columbus first sights the island of Dominica in the Caribbean Sea… so he quickly buys all he can in the ship’s Duty Free shop before it’s too late.


1913: The United States introduces an income tax, ending the nation’s financial problems forever.