UN Evac
The UN building in New York has been evacuated because of a mysterious odor. That would be the stench of failure.



Net Neutrality
The FCC is looking to take more control of the Internet in the push for so-called "net neutrality." In other words, federal workers just want first crack at all the best porn sites.



California Smokers
The number of cigarette smokers in California continues to fall... mostly because unemployed people can't afford cigarettes.



Coaches Pay
The number of assistant college football coaches earning $250,000 or more per year is up 25% this year. Colleges are getting the money from the professors of the classes the football players aren't showing up to anyway.




New Government in Iraq
The Iraqi parliament has just approved new government... hopefully one that knows how to survive car bombings.





December 21st


1620: William Bradford and the Mayflower Pilgrims land on Plymouth Rock. The local Native Americans celebrate the arrival by inviting them to join their fantasy football league.


1937: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs premieres at the Carthay Circle Theater. Half of the audience leaves dissappointedly when they realize it’s not a porn film.


1970: Elvis Presley and Richard Nixon meet in the White House. The Secret Service is barely able to save Nixon from being eaten.