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Drinking Study
A new study shows that heavy drinkers outlive non-drinkers... especially the non-drinkers who get killed by drunk drivers.
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Bad Back to School
Retailers are not having a good back to school season as receipts are weak. This is actually a stimulus for Millions of middle school bullies who can now continue to make fun of the nerdy kids' hand-me-down clothes.
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Bag Ban Bagged
The California's legislature was unable to pass a state-wide ban on plastic bags. The bill was killed when some lawmakers realized a bag ban could stop concerned citizens from putting one over Ariana Huffington's head.
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Kerry is the Richest
Senator John Kerry remains the richest member of Congress, with his wealth increasing by another $20 million in 2009. So instead of fighting the taxes to dock his yacht in Massachusetts, Kerry is just going to buy Massachusetts.
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New Ford Cop Car
Ford is now making a new version of the Explorer to be used as a police cruiser. Cops are expected to mostly use the SUV to aid stranded motorists in broken down cars made by GM.
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September 1st
1836: Narcissa Whitman, one of the first English-speaking white women to settle west of the Rocky Mountains arrives at Walla Walla, Washington and immediately sets up a mayonnaise plantation.
1864: Confederate General John Bell Hood evacuates Atlanta, Georgia after enduring a four-month siege by General Sherman and three weeks of Atlanta Braves broadcasts.
1897: The Boston subway opens, becoming the first underground rapid transit system to exclusively transport drunk people.